I haven't painted for two years. Every time I thought about painting I came up with an excuse as to why I shouldn't .. usually the excuse was "I don't have enough time." But the real reason I haven't painted is because I am afraid of failure. The inner Perfectionist will not be happy with the painting and it will not live up to my satisfaction and expectations. Then my inner Self Sabotager will either make a mess of the painting or hide it. That's why so many half finished symphonies have remained hidden in drawers and the reminders of my failures kept as far away from me as possible.
Then along came Covid19 lockdown and with it an abundance of time. So the excuse of not having enough time no longer worked in keeping me away from painting and so I took out my paints and brushes and decided I'd give it another go. Three canvases later I gave up in despair and hid my art behind a press. But I didn't give up entirely. I decided that I could at lease find a tutorial online and learn how to paint.
Amongst the many Youtube videos I found an extraordinarily gifted artist named Andrew Tischler. His art, his story and his teachings really spoke to me. Not only did I learn how to mix colour but I also learnt how to approach painting from a whole new perspective. Andrew was asked by a student if he was self taught or had he gone to college. He answered .. "I am self taught and I went to college." However, he went on to say that college really turned out to be more of a hindrance to him than a help. He came out of college not having learnt much or knowing what he wanted to do with art. Apart from a few teachers here and there it was evident that he got where he is today through hard work, awareness and practise. Then he said "Keep your failures close to you." Over the years he had seen a lot of his students hiding their paintings and starting new ones. That's exactly what I was doing and the current three failures were peeping out from behind the press as living proof. The next advice he gave was "The 3 W's" ... Before you give up, to look at the painting and ask yourself three questions "What is good about this?" What is not working for me?" and "What if I .... ?
This was a eureka moment for me ... so I pulled out the three paintings, chose one and asked the three questions. Then I placed it on the easel and decided to give it another go. It worked. With this formula I could see potential in the painting where before I only saw what was wrong. The new formula worked and so did the relief in knowing that college isn't always the answer. I could feel a change in me.
What had changed was my attitude. I stepped out of my own way and realised that mastering any skill requires time and practise combined with the will and passion to keep going even when the painting is not turning out the way I want it to. With oils I can always wipe the canvas and make a correction having put a distance between me and the problem.
This painting of a rose is technically far from perfect but, for me, it represents 'completion' and the time I embraced and resurrected my failures and brought one of them to life.
